The Homeliest Woman

The milliners had advertised

A hundred dollar bill

For the homeliest woman they could find,

On which to try their skill.

The ad was read the selfsame day

By Miss Belinda Ann;

Quoth she, “I’ll qualify for this,

If anybody can!”

Her face, the judges all agreed,

Exceeded expectation!

But with their fabrics, lines, and shades,

Came beauty’s combination.

Two days she gladly lent herself,

Disdaining quip and laughter,

To demonstrate the difference

Between before and after.

While yet transformed with wondrous art,

They led her to the till.

There in her eager fingers placed

Her hundred dollar bill.

They wished her well, but cautioned low,

“Beware, Belinda Ann;

Remember how susceptible

Is poor defenseless man!”

Belinda beamed and went her way,

A purpose in her eye;

“No fault of mine, their broken hearts,”

She murmured with a sight.

As Jabez Johnson raised his head,

He gaped in admiration;

“Why, bless my soul, Belinda Ann,

You’re sweet as all creation!”

She bowed and smiled coquettishly,

As other beauties do,

While from her careless finger tips,

The bill peeped into view.

Then Jabez dropped upon his knees,

Quite as he should have done;

And soon before a magistrate

The twain were made as one.

Next morning at the stroke of 6,

Belinda Ann arose;

“It’s wise to feed the creatures well,

As every woman knows.”

The scent of coffee, amber clear,

Crisp bacon filled the air;

The bridegroom sniffed his wholesome food

And hurried to his chair.

“Now eat your breakfast while it’s hot;

What are you staring at?”

He clasped his brow and wildly cried,

“Great Scott!  Put on your hat!”

-       Selected